Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
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From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
Oh, I bet you would be
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.