I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
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Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
My dog learned how to text
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
Damn what did I do next
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.