“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
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Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely