A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
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straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit