Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
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At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)