[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
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I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
What flavor cupcake are these
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
Hank is one in a melon.
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.