probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
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[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive