Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
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*swipes right on my hand mirror
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
i now pronounce you bounced.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
this article brought to you by lions
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks