My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
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How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required