I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
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Happy weekend !
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.