Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
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1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
Meow
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday