My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
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My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
How did we not see this back then?
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
definitely did not do anything wrong
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.