“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
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if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up