Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
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I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
Ain’t no way
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
(3:12am)
My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck