“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
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If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
Me when someone tries to get to know me
Kermit goes Blue.
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
That was easy.
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
Lmao the reply
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind