Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
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ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
I think they could have phrased this better
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana