“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
You Might Also Like
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Meow
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
Every time my phone rings