Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
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Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music