I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
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My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
Lassie, get help!
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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.
.
.
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Squash
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.