triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
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I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit