guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
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ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
I hate when that happens.
Saturday
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing