DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
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I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
not for long
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.