They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
You Might Also Like
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.