I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
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[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?