watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
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I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.