I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
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The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy