We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
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accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
True
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
beware of dog
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here