[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
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Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
😂😂
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.