Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
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“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints