I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
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“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
Sharon I have some bad news
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
ugh not again
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?