I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
You Might Also Like
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram