My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
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I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
This meal prepping shit easy
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
Try and stop me.
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.