Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
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I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG