My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
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Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.