Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
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[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
Finally!
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.