To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
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My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
Previously On Persistence 😎
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂