*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
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dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.