FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
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Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.