Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
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“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.