Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
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“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
Trying
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.