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I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.