Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
You Might Also Like
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.