Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
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*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
*pokes sex life with a stick
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on