if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
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Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog