Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
You Might Also Like
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
…żyje?
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again