Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
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Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it