I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
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I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters