A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
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I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
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