[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
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My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?