Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
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Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.